Week 26: Declarative Language
Have you ever struggled to get a child out the door for school, an appointment, or anywhere else where you had to be on time? What did you say to them?
Often, we will use imperatives- a question or sentence that demands a response. For example, “Put on your shoes” or “Look at me” are common imperative statements. Imperative responses are either right or wrong. If a child does not respond “correctly” it is seen as non-compliance.
The brain may interpret imperative demands as threats, which can trigger the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, especially in children with social learning challenges.
Fight responses (aggression): yelling, throwing, kicking, hitting, swearing, talking back
Flight responses (escape): bolting, hiding, changing the subject, saying “no”
Freeze response (immobilization): not answering, shutting of eyes, putting head down
Fawn response (appeasement): excessive compliance, over-apologizing
If we want the child to put on their shoes or pick up their toys without triggering their fight/flight/freeze/fawn response, we can communicate using declarative language.
Declarative language is a communication style focused on sharing observations, thoughts, and feelings rather than issuing direct commands. It promotes independence, social engagement, and reduces power struggles by inviting collaboration instead of demanding compliance. Common examples include statements like "I wonder what we need to put on before we go outside" instead of "Put on your shoes.”
If you simply start with the statements “I wonder” or “I notice,” you’ll invite others to engage in a conversation that builds self advocacy and empowerment rather than shame. It will lower your own frustration levels and may even help get your child to school on time!
Resource:
Murphy, L. K. Declarative Language Handbook.(2020). [Self Published]
