As we wrap up our September theme of “Invitation,” I’ve been thinking and reading lately about the role of relationships that invite us into change. In this season in the life of the world, we know much about the tension in relationships where two people care about each other and differ on issues. It’s a thorny problem, navigating this tension. First, if you are someone whose identity is denied or attacked as part of “differing on issues,” this isn’t simply a matter of agreeing to disagree. Each of us is empowered to make choices that protect our core sense of self.
And second, we also know that relationships are the primary way people learn, grow, and change. A few years ago, I was in a book club meeting with the author Julie Bogart. She said something I’ve remembered often: “The thing about being a bridge is, people will walk all over you.” She didn’t mean that in a bad way; instead, she was honoring the work of those who are bridge-builders and who are able to humbly hold space for curiosity in response to positions they disagree with.
None of us can do this in every situation. But in the parts of my life where my identity is not being attacked, I try to be a bridge-builder – as a white person, I can talk with other white people about race in ways that folks of color shouldn’t have to. As a cis person, I can engage other cis people’s misunderstandings or transphobia, something that I don’t want trans and nonbinary folks to have to deal with. I can strategically choose when I can hang in there and listen for what’s underneath someone’s position – what they don’t know and haven’t been invited to learn about, or reconsider. This is slow, unglamorous work… but also worthy work.
When it’s unsafe for you to be a bridge-builder, excuse yourself from that conversation. But if it’s not unsafe but more uncomfortable for you to be a bridge-builder, consider stretching yourself to try. There’s no quick fix to our polarized society, but invitational relationships are a big part of what we need.
Warmly,
Rev. Monica
