Help Your Child to Think Flexibly

Many children (and adults) have what is called a "rigid mindset", "fixed mindset" or "black and white thinking". People who have a "rigid mindset" have a difficult time seeing other perspectives or other options or solutions to a problem. They often find it hard to move forward if things don't go ask they think they should have.

When a child has a rigid mindset (or rigid thinking), he/she views things in extremes. For example, someone who is NOT a flexible thinker, (who has a rigid mindset) may say words like always, never, everyone, no one, mean or nice. A child with a rigid mindset may perceive things as EITHER/OR, but no concept that there could be a mix. For example, a child says they don't like your Pokemon shirt, so you think they are "mean". Even if that child also plays with you nicely on recess and helped you clean up after art class. It's hard for people with rigid mindsets to conceptualize that someone may have said a "mean" comment, but they can also be a really nice person.

To be a flexible thinker, a child must learn to explore different perspectives/points of view of a situation. For example, when your child's friend Bobby says he is going to play soccer today instead of basketball, like they usually play together, your child may say, "No one wants to play with me". Other viable perspectives may be that Bobby just wanted to play something different or other kids would want to play with your child, but he/she hasn't asked anyone.

Flexible thinking is an extremely important skill for your child to learn. A lack of flexible thinking (or rigid thinking) often coincides with difficulty regulating emotions and difficulty solving problems, because the child gets "stuck" and can't figure out how to move forward in a situation.

Children who engage in flexible thinking are better able to cope with change, take in new information, learn to solve their own problems, and get along better socially with others. Rigid thinkers struggle in the classroom and out in the world.

Parents play a crucial role in helping your child to see different perspectives and to be able to switch gears when things don't go as planned. Modeling flexible thinking is something that children pick up on and will mimic in situations with friends if they see their parents/guardians being flexible.

It is human nature that when we are heightened emotionally, we think less rationally. It's important to consider how being a flexible thinking is closely linked to learning to manage emotions in a healthy way.

• When your child is upset, frustrated, or has other heightened emotions, this is NOT the best time to teach flexible thinking. Children need to practice role-playing or discussing different scenarios when they are calm, so they can practice effectively. Ex. Give your child a scenario of "what if..Bobby doesn't want to play basketball again tomorrow, what can you do?" This helps the child think through other viable options, rather than getting "stuck" when something doesn't go as planned.
• Encourage your child to try new things. Children need to learn to "set-shift", and have the ability to let go of an old way of doing something to try a new way. Trying something new, makes your child see things in a new perspective. A simple example is that if you have a child who will only eat ground beef in a hamburger, you may want to include them in cooking the "same" ground beef in the frying pan to make taco meat. Getting a child to see how things can be the same but a little different, helps to change their perspective and make them a more flexible thinker.
• Writing can be a challenge for rigid thinkers. When it comes time to write, it's harder for a rigid thinker to come up with ideas, add details, change sentences around and edit for errors. you can help your child by spending time brainstorming with them. Brainstorming ideas for characters, details about the story, etc. will help your child become a more flexible thinker. Helping him/her by cutting up sentences and having them move them around to see that the information can be placed in a paragraph in different orders will help them to see the flexibility that writing offers. The same can be applied to math problems. Helping your child see that he/she can solve math in a multitude of different ways, will help them to be strategic with future math problems when one way doesn't work the way they hoped.
• Rigid thinkers love rules. This is an admirable trait, but sometimes it can hinder your child socially. Encourage your child to play a favorite game with a new set of rules. They can learn that playing their favorite game can still be fun even if it's played differently than expected.
• Teach your child Self-Talk. Self talk can help a child work through new ways to solve problems. For example, when your child has a problem, have your child take a few breaths, state the problem, and then have them practice coming up with three different possible solutions. Then have them pick one of those solutions after they have weighed it all out. This skill is invaluable. Another way to help them with self-talk is to teach them a mantra to say when they are feeling stretched out of their rigid thinking. For example, your child could say to him/herself, "I learn from doing things differently", "I can do hard things", "Change is fun"
• Tweak some routines every now and then. Children with rigid thinking tend to like routine, as it feels safe and they can anticipate what is to come. When you are teaching flexibility, tweaking the routine sometimes may help your child to recognize that being flexible is a part of life and giving them the confidence that even with a change in routine, they are still safe. For example, have your child take a bath before dinner some nights, so the child can see that it's okay to do things in a different way.
• Sometimes children with rigid thinking, try the same approach to a problem over and over, with the same negative result. This can impact them socially. They may need to simply shift their approach. For example, let's picture your child chasing peers in his/her class everyday at recess and the peers get upset and tell the recess monitor every day that your child is bothering them. Your child is upset and says the peers don't like him/her. This is a perfect example to have your child shift his/her approach to the friendship. Maybe he/she could ask the peers if they would like to play tag on recess today. Or maybe he/she could ask them if they would like to have races in the grass, kind of like the Olympics. This is a new approach that may have a different positive result.
• Often children with rigid thinking have a hard time understanding jokes. Get a children's joke book! Practice telling the jokes and help explain the meanings of the jokes to your child. Teaching your child to have a "stash" of appropriate children's jokes are a great way to make friends too!