Under my eyelids, I stood stationary above an expanse of colors and sounds. Around me, formless objects were colored by a swirling mix of hues, comprehensible and otherwise. I saw a sky of liquid with vibrant paints wistfully swirling each of their own accord. An orchestra of unique sounds tickled my senses. I heard what might be a piano sounding chords that no human had ever heard. My senses worked in unison to map out my impossible surroundings. The light shone upon me from above much like it would while one is under water. It was a sensory heaven that truly made me feel one with whatever place this is.
Observing what would have been my body, I saw a shape that somehow both has and lacks form. It is a beautiful swirl of colors distinct even from that of my surroundings. It looked like I was looking at myself with squinted eyes, so that things become blurred into each other. I moved my blob of existence forward, or perhaps backwards. After all, it doesn’t matter here. With every slow, graceful motion, a rhythm was set by a low, thumping sound and a light, inquisitive drum beat. I felt as if the only plausible way of describing my surroundings would be to compare it to a vast expanse of water in all directions. The world shifted and flowed as a liquid would. However, all the colors, from blindingly vibrant to drearily dull, swirled around much like how oil in water seems like a rainbow. This place, while confusing, is an odd feeling of belonging and comfort in itself. If this place is a representation of my inner self, then why does the dreamscape seem unsure of what it is?
A harp is plucked in a crescendo as all the sounds culminate in a floating, intense sensation. From what might be very far or even very near, blobs of formless things caress one another and become as one. After a slow welding of shapes, and a pumping crescendo, bubble-looking shapes all flung into one another to form what resembled a humanoid figure that stood in front of me. The rainbow hues of my surroundings flowed into the figure and filled it with glowing light to distinct it from the rest. This was not an unwelcome intrusion. Instead, it felt as natural as the rest of this. As the figure finally became what is likely its preferred shape, the symphony of beautiful noise around me abruptly faded. The only sense that remained was the haunting tenderness of the vibrant colors in this place.
The figure made an auditory reach out into me. The noise was not that of language or voice, but an orchestra of its own, detached from the one this place sent out. While I’ve never heard this specific voice, I could make out the synthy spouts of meaning. Uncertainty of the self, it said. While a simple term as this would seem out of context in many other situations, I completely understood it as the answer to my original question upon arriving. The musical essence of this place began to sound again, now with strings lining the previously set melody. The figure made a gesture of approval. Whether or not that gesture could be described in words is beyond me.
In front of the figure, three clearly defined forms took up existence. Upon observation, they resembled a sort of mask that one might see at an extravagant masquerade, yet they also appeared completely unique from anything I had ever seen. Confused, I made an expression of curiosity toward the figure. Choose, rumbled the synths of the figure. The mask furthest to the right, or maybe the left, perhaps even the middle, is the one I chose first. The strings began to grow in intensity only to fall back down and repeat the cycle as the mask was lowered or raised to me. The mask itself had a sort of feel. It was a temperature outside of hot or cold. It felt a bit soft, yet the coarseness on the inside was notable. The mask took me into it for a moment to observe what it was.
Through the lenses of the mask, I saw a version of myself, a person who was seemingly perfect. Looking left and right, I could see other people visibly happy with this reflection of me. Curious, I approached my reflection and was immediately sucked into the mouth of whatever version of me I viewed. Inside the other me, there was little else but mental anguish. The pain was unbearably devastating inside. I wished to return from this reality back into the dreamscape where I was just before. I reached to rip the mask from my face. After a struggle, I yanked it and returned to the comfortable place I longed for. When it came off of my face, I again wished to have the overwhelming love and approval I felt inside the mask. The temptation was strong to return the mask to my face, but I let it go, accepting that there was more to experience in this dreamscape. As the mask floated away, I felt a strange sensation of grief, as if that version of me had died and I was mourning them.
The figure appeared once more to communicate. Selfless, it said in regards to the mask. Neglect of the self. I understood the electronic waves of harmony emanating from the figure. Before choosing again, I took a moment to gather myself. The blobs of color and undefined shapes around me cheered me on through the trumpeting sounds of the symphony. Looking at the second mask, I was intrigued by its formidable shape. It was hard to explain, but I felt as if the mask was a fortress of its own, capable of protecting me from anything. I called for the next mask and it came to me. It was prickly in texture, seeming to numb me with every prick. The mask placed itself onto my face.
I was this time in my own body in this reality. I looked around, seeing a world that is mundane and lacking in color. I took a curious moment to explore, finding nothing but busy people and grey clouds in this apparition of a city. There was no music. There was no color. There wasn’t obvious pain however. It seemed as if there was an invisible bubble around me that no other person could enter. I felt a sense of relief and peace to be devoid of external conflict and stress. Upon further exploration of this version of me, I felt a crushing loneliness. It was less of a sharp pain as the first mask was, instead it was a slow, throbbing pain. It was a bruise that covered the expanse of my soul. It built up as I strolled through this drab world, slowly becoming unbearable. My soul screamed in anguish as my body tiredly frowned. I immediately withdrew this mask from where my face would be. Just as before, I felt an odd sensation upon removal. This time, I felt anxiety and a general fear for my safety. It was as if I needed to retreat into the mask to feel safe again. Before I could place the mask back onto my face, it drifted away, leaving me with the same mourning I had for the last masl
My surroundings reverted to the soothing swirl of senses that it had been before. The music began to swell yet again as the figure sat or stood motionless. Selfishness, It conveyed, Fear of hurt by another. I made a motion of understanding, the segments of my form moving in and out of sync. I observed my remaining mask. The music began to grow even more intense, adding more instruments. The mask looked to be made of something similar to stained glass. The strings trilled. I reached toward the mask, touching it and feeling no texture at all. The drums began to pound. I put on the mask. The orchestra held a booming and dissonant chord, only to abruptly stop.
When looking through this final mask, nothing seemed to have changed. I was still in my comfortable swirl of senses that I felt in the dreamscape. The figure was still there. The previous masks remained. I felt the same. I looked at the remaining mask, taking in how real it looked. I felt a sort of personal connection to this mask. The feeling it gave was akin to sleeping in a firm, yet comfortable bed. Out of fear of the other masks, or perhaps a trust in whatever this mask was, I announced to the figure that I chose the remaining mask as my final decision.
The music began again, more loud, extravagant, and beautiful than ever before. My surroundings began to turn into conceivable forms, I began to soar in the direction I was sure was upward. The blur of this place began to morph and distort into a world I was familiar with, my house and community sprouting up. Everything I know took up its own existence. Though everything was going back to my familiar life, the senses, sounds, and colors of that dreamish place remained to have a lasting effect on all I know. The instruments crescendoed further as I began to feel my emotions. I felt everything; every conceivable emotion under the sun. I soared even higher into the sky of my world. I reached a feeling of peace that had always been in that other place. While I may not feel completely fulfilled, and I may not have everybody love me, but I have balance. I looked back at the other masks, acknowledging what could have been. Then I looked forward again and embraced the choice I made.
Love, a synthy noise extended into me, Acceptance of the self and of life.
