The Co-Parenting Chronicles (Ed.#1)

OUR VISION

"The Co-Parenting Chronicles: Our Blended Village" provides a proactive approach to parenting within a co-parented/blended family unit. We will use comprehensive and developmentally appropriate information to help families woven TOGETHER by choice; To be strengthened TOGETHER by God's unchanging love. Through various partnerships and community support we will encourage the development of healthy, happy humans by rearing successful, productive citizens in a diverse and changing world.

Hey parents! Did you know that you’re very special? There is no other person in this world like you. You deserve to be loved not only by those around you but by the most important person in your life — YOU! Blending families and/ or co-parenting is not an easy road to travel and practicing self-love can be challenging for many of us, especially in times when we face serious challenges. It’s not about being self-absorbed or narcissistic, it’s about getting in touch with ourselves, so that everyone's well-being and happiness is achievable. Make sure to practice self-love so you can push through our limiting beliefs to live a life that truly shines for us and our children. Do yourself a favor, take a deep breath, give yourself a little hug and start practicing the following:

• Stop comparing your partnership with your child's father/mother to others.
• Don't worry about others' opinions about how you two choose to co-parent.
• Allow yourself to make parenting mistakes. Married or not; you're still a family.
• Don't be afraid to let go of toxic people who do not support your child's best interest.
• Process your fears but don't let them hinder you or dictate your parenting.
• Trust yourself to make good decisions that are in the best interest of you and your child(ren).

You’ve got this and 2022 is your year to shine!

Sending love and light,

Ngina Hardy

Research overwhelmingly shows that having two loving parents who are actively involved in the lives of their children, no matter what their marital status, is the number one predictor of success for children.

1. Do not manipulate one another; ALWAYS work as a team.

2. Do not control your children’s allegiances but encourage their affection & love for the other parent.

3. Recognize and support your children having relationships with parent’s new and

extended family.

4. Do not feel threatened by your child’s relationship with new spouses or bonus

siblings.

Rule #1: Have a Unanimous Focus: Raising healthy, happy children is your common goal and why you follow the rules of the game. It no longer matters why the marriage didn’t work or whose fault it was. Your unanimous focus is on the kids you share and what is in their best interests.

Rule #2: Have a Plan: No team has ever won a game without a plan. A plan helps each player know what he or she needs to do to make sure the team achieves its goals. A Parenting Plan is a child custody plan that is negotiated by the parents and approved by the court. It sets clear guidelines and expectations for each parent about everything from living arrangements and childcare to pick-up and drop-off routines, extracurricular activities, education, and healthcare decisions.

Rule #3: Communicate: There are schedules to address, academic reports to share, behavioral issues to discuss, healthcare issues to review, and so much more. Decide with your co-parent how you will communicate about these and other important topics. Is it a recurring appointment? Is it a scheduled phone call? Is it in the presence of a mediator? Is it through an app like Talking Parents? Remember, communication about your children should not happen in front of your children. Custody, child support, and courts are heavy, scary topics for young minds to grasp. These should be adult-only discussions.

Rule #4: Consistency: Speaking of consistency, strive for consistency between households. It’s an incredibly common co-parenting rule. Children thrive on routines and feel much more secure when they know what to expect. Work together to establish as much consistency in the children’s schedules and routines as possible. Try to maintain consistency in areas such as bedtime rituals, wake-up routines, when the kids do their homework, mealtimes, what are the rules around screen time, what are the consequences of misbehavior, and how and when transitions between households take place.

Rule #5: Show Respect: This one is critical. Toxic fighting between parents – name-calling, insults, threats, physical aggression, walking out – dramatically impact a child’s mental health, resulting in everything from decreased cognitive performance to physical sickness to high rates of substance abuse and eating disorders. Agree that you will not disparage one another in front of the kids, you will not allow other family members or friends to disparage your co-parent in front of the kids, and you will not allow your children to speak disrespectfully about either parent. Belittling or insulting a co-parent can happen in subtle ways, so be aware of some of these common ways you may not be showing respect.

It is important that we understand as parents that children grow and develop rapidly in their first five years across the four main areas of development. These areas are motor (physical), communication and language, cognitive, social, and emotional. This development influences a child’s self-confidence, the ability to develop meaningful and lasting friendships, partnerships, a sense of importance and value to those around him/her. Social and emotional development is the foundation of children understanding who they are, what they are feeling and what to expect when interacting with others. It is the development of being able to:

• Form and sustain positive relationships.
• Process, manage and express emotions.
• Explore and engage with the environment.

Positive social and emotional development is important especially for children who are living in multiple households. Families play an essential role in fostering their children’s social-emotional learning. Research shows that SEL is more effective when parents model the same skills and behaviors that students are mastering in the classroom. Here is a way to practice SEL skills at home:

Take care of yourself, even when it feels like the last thing you can do right now

To cultivate the social and emotional skills of young people, you must take care of your own mental, social and emotional wellness. Young children are sensitive to the stress of their caretakers, especially when they are being displayed differently amongst different households.

We must stay calm and realistic. They sense when we are worried and anxious, and our emotions directly affect the emotions of our children. We must build in time, even if only 10 minutes a day, for our own wellness practices—journaling, going for a walk, meditating, exercising, for example. Much like putting on our own oxygen mask first before putting on a child’s, we must take care of ourselves during this stressful time so that we’re able to show up for others.

Children and teens with PTSD feel a lot of emotional and physical distress when exposed to situations that remind them of the traumatic event. Some may relive the trauma over and over again especially if there are sudden changes within your blended unit. Remember children can’t verbalize the emotions inside of them they can only act it out. Be aware of these are some common stress symptoms to look out for:

· Psychosomatic Symptoms

Traumatic grief may result in psychosomatic symptoms. Children might complain of headaches or stomach aches, but upon seeing the doctor, the doctor declares them physically well. You have no clue why they are expressing themselves in this manner. It may seem as though they are using this as an excuse not to eat or go to school.

· Anger Outburst

Unexplained anger outburst may lead parents and caregivers to the conclusion that their children are becoming naughty and don’t want to follow instructions.

· Sudden Clingy Behavior

Some very young children may become extremely clingy to their parents. Parents who know their children well will be able to realize the difference before and after the trauma incident.

· Loss of Focus and Restlessness

Other signs to look out for include a loss of focus and concentration during the child’s study or even play time. An obvious sign would be a sudden drop in academic results in a normally conscientious student.

· Avoidance / Wanting to run away

In some cases, children may even feel an urge to run away from home or any scene or person that reminds them of the trauma incident.

If you need support because your child is displaying symptoms of PTSD, please contact your child’s school counselor for resources or check out Love Activists: Nonprofit Organization & Educational Program Student up for Love: https://www.loveactivists.org/

Is your little one (OR TEEN) suffering with anxiety and need ways to help themselves during meltdown moments? Here are some strategies to help support them.

1. "Write it Out"

• Journal about worries: Take 15 minutes a day to journal about things that are upsetting to them. Once they are done have them read it aloud and see if they can figure out a solution. For little one who cannot write, parents should help them get their idea down and figure out a solution.
• Create “worry time”— Set aside a designated “worry time” for 10-15 minutes on a daily basis. Choose the same time each day and the same spot and allow your child to write down their worries without worrying about what actually constitutes a worry. When the time is up, have them drop the worries in a box, say goodbye to them, and move on to a new activity.

2. "Have a debate(with yourself)"

• Talk to your worry— Personification of a worry allows children to feel as though they have control over it. By giving anxiety a face and a name, the logical brain takes over and begins to place limitations on the stressor. For young children, you can create a worry doll or character for them that represents worry. Next time a worried thought arises, have your child try to teach the doll why they shouldn’t worry.

3. "Self-Soothing"

• Give yourself a hug—Physical touch releases oxytocin, a feel-good hormone, and reduces the stress hormone cortisol in the bloodstream. The next time your child feels anxious, have her stop and give herself a warm hug.

• Rub your ears— Have them begin by lightly tracing the outline of their outer ear several times. Then using gentle pressure, have them place their thumbs on the back of the ears and the forefingers on the front. Have them count to five and then move their finger and thumb downward to a point just below where they started. Have your child repeat the process until they have squeezed both earlobes for five seconds each.

4. "Use your Body"

• Stretch— Studies have shown that children who practice yoga not only experience the uplifting benefits of exercise, but also maintain those benefits long after they are done with their practice. The process of slow, methodical stretching can provide many of the same benefits.

Please reach out to me immediately to find our resources to support you and your family!

Email me: OurBlendedVillage@yahoo.com