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School Is Out But The Challenges Don't Take A Break
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We’ve finally reached that time of year when we can slow down, soak up some sunshine, and enjoy a much-needed reset. Summer invites rest, play, and flexibility, but it also brings longer days, unpredictable routines, and (let’s be honest) a few extra behavioral challenges. One behavior that often sneaks in during this time? Lying.
All parents could share a few stories about their child or children bending the truth once or twice. Donuts weren’t an everyday treat at our house, so the day we brought home a half-dozen Krispy Kremes was a little fun and unexpected. Each of us had one, and later that night, my son had a second. My daughter, on the other hand, announced she was saving hers for the next morning. But when we woke up, the donut box was empty.
My son firmly denied eating his sister’s donut for quite some time. Eventually, after some persistent questioning from me, a storm of shaming, and a wave of frustration, he admitted he had eaten it. While he told the truth in the end, the damage was already done. My reaction didn’t help him value honesty; instead, it taught him to fear the consequences of telling the truth.
If I could go back, I’d handle it with more curiosity and far less intensity. My son is a people pleaser, not a manipulator. His desire to avoid disappointing me was the driving force behind the donut dilemma, not a lack of morality or a failure to understand why lying is wrong.
This month, we’re exploring why children lie—not to excuse dishonest behavior, but to better understand the feelings and fears that drive it. Lying often can come from a place of fear, confusion, emotional overload, or even from fatigue or a taxed memory. So, before we correct the behavior, we need to understand it. This approach not only helps our kids grow, but it also gives us the opportunity to become more thoughtful, calm, and connected parents in the process.
Happy summer, y'all! Enjoy the sunshine!
With A Grateful Heart,
Jodie Maddox, Parent Coach and Education Consultant
Let's Talk About Lying
Understanding Why Children Lie (and How to Help Them Tell the Truth)
As you've heard me say many times, "Behaviors Are Needs." When a child is constantly dishonest, it’s usually a sign of something deeper—fear, anxiety, insecurity, or a desire to belong.
Lying is often a normal part of child development. Most kids go through phases of embellishing stories, hiding the truth, trying to save their reputation, or avoiding hard conversations. While persistent or harmful lying can signal deeper concerns, many lies come from simple, relatable reasons.
Common Reasons Children Lie
To avoid getting in trouble
To test how you’ll react
To make a story more exciting
To experiment with imagination
To get something they want
To protect someone’s feelings
To protect themselves
To gain social acceptance
To avoid shame or disappointment
Lying has become an inappropriate coping skill
There are two critical steps to handling dishonesty and teaching the importance of honesty in your family. These steps take time; consider them to be seeds you plant in a garden that must be nurtured and cared for over time. Be patient, and remember to model what you preach ... all eyes are on you.
Step 1: Get Curious, Not Confrontational
Start by asking yourself:
What type of lie is this?
What have we taught our children about lying?
What emotional need might be behind it?
Who is the child trying to protect—me, themselves, a friend?
When do these types of lies typically happen?
Then, gently invite your child into a conversation, preferably during a neutral time, maybe while you're coloring, cooking, or going for a walk. Sometimes, especially with teenagers, talking in the car is a great place to have a low-key conversation. You can begin by saying something you've appreciated over the past few days. "Thanks for consistently helping with the dishes after dinner. I can always count on you to lend a hand. I was wondering what happened a few days ago when you weren't completely honest about what you posted on social media. What made you feel like you needed to lie?"
Be prepared for some pushback or an adverse reaction. Stay open and control your reactions and comments. Remain judgment-free. Be patient if they don't reply right away. Model patience, openness, and grace. Other examples of open-ended questions that encourage conversation:
What made you want to change that part of the story?
You’re usually so honest—what do you think happened here?
At times, people may be untruthful to avoid disappointing others; have you ever felt this way? Why?
How did it feel to be untruthful? How do you feel now? What would you do differently?
Have you ever felt like you had to lie to make or keep a friend? When? What advice would you give a younger child if they ever find themselves in this situation?
Connection before correction. Focus on discovery, not discipline. Use your tone and body language to create a judgment-free zone, helping your child or teen receive the information and avoid becoming defensive. Remember, if you want to correct this behavior, change will only come through connection.
Step 2: Support Truth-Telling
Honesty isn't necessarily a natural behavior, especially for younger children. Honesty, like other virtues, must be taught, learned, and eventually desired. A child's need to please you often outweighs their motivation to tell the truth. Kids quickly learn how much you value their good behavior by watching your reactions, especially when you’re proud or pleased. Over time, they may begin to prioritize keeping you happy over being truthful.
It is crucial to discuss the importance of honesty within your family. It is hard to believe, but to a child, honesty is sometimes unrewarding. Quite frequently, we unintentionally unappreciate and overlook honesty because it is expected. Acknowledging and encouraging honest behavior, even during minor, daily interactions, can help children recreate the positive experiences essential for understanding the social norms we all share.
That’s why it’s so important to discuss why honesty is valued in your family. Talking about, noticing, and reinforcing honesty when it occurs, even in small, everyday moments, can help recreate positive experiences for children as they learn the social rules we all live by.
Here are simple strategies to promote honesty in your home or classroom:
Be a role model. Show integrity in everyday choices.
Talk about honesty regularly. Don’t wait for a problem to start the conversation.
Reduce shame. Kids lie to avoid guilt. Help them feel safe when they’re truthful.
Stay calm. Reacting with anger fuels defensiveness.
Acknowledge honesty. Praise truth-telling, especially when it’s hard. "Thank you for being honest..."
Gently correct. “I know that’s not quite what happened—can we talk about it?”
Avoid labels. Don’t call them a “liar.” Emphasize that they are capable of telling the truth, even when it’s difficult.
Value failure. Show kids how to admit mistakes and move on.
Lying can be frustrating, even alarming, but it’s often just a signal that something deeper is going on. Our job isn’t to shame or accuse—it’s to get curious, stay calm, and teach our children how truth builds connection and trust, ultimately leading to freedom and independence.
The Truth About Sleep and The Brain
Sleep and the Truth-Telling Brain
Believe it or not, one of the most overlooked factors in kids’ honesty is sleep. Children and teens who are tired are more likely to:
- React without thinking
- Struggle with impulse control
- Say what they think you want to hear
- Avoid discomfort rather than face the truth
- Have trouble recalling information
Lack of sleep impacts the brain’s ability to make thoughtful decisions. According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, children ages 6–12 need 9–12 hours of sleep each night, while teens need 8–10 hours. When they don’t get enough rest, kids become more emotionally reactive and less capable of thinking through consequences (jcsm.aasm.org).
What You Can Do
- Stick to consistent bedtimes, even in the summer.
- Power down screens one to two hours before sleep.
- Avoid serious conversations late at night.
- Revisit tricky topics in the morning when everyone’s rested.
References:
Walker, M. P. (2009). The role of sleep in cognition and emotion. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1156, 168–197. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19338508/
American Academy of Sleep Medicine. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785–786. https://jcsm.aasm.org/doi/10.5664/jcsm.5866
Beattie, L., Kyle, S. D., Espie, C. A., & Biello, S. M. (2015). Social interactions, emotion regulation, and psychological well-being in sleep-deprived individuals. Child Development, 86(6), 1941–1956. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9732146/
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