The Howler - November 24, 2024
The Ottauquechee School's weekly newsletter
Week 11: How to talk to kids about gender
Week 11: How to talk to kids about gender
āWe want a world where boys can feel, girls can lead, and the rest of us can not only exist but thrive. This is not about erasing men and women but rather acknowledging that man and woman are two of manyāstars in a constellation that do not compete but amplify one anotherās shine.ā
ā Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary
Talking to your kids is not just about helping them understand that gender diverse people exist, but it is also about helping all children feel liberated from rigid gender norms and expectations, even if they are cisgender and heterosexual. Rememberā gender is already everywhere and most of us are so used to using it we donāt even notice. But when gender is taught as a set of rigid stereotypes, research shows it limits and restricts all childrenās healthy developmentānot just those who donāt fit into one of two boxes.
This 2-minute video shares a fatherās perspective on how parents influence kidsā gender roles; this 3-minute video to see how early on people unconsciously treat boys vs girls; and this 2-minute video shows an experiment on gender stereotypes in a classroom.
You will find that most kids are very accepting in their thinking about gender. By talking to your kids and letting them know these are topics weāre all still learning about, you open the door to ongoing healthy communication with your child. Here are some prompts to get you started:
Ask whatās more important: whether youāre a boy or girl, or whether youāre kind and responsible. Ask why.
Tell your child that years ago, a woman wouldnāt have been allowed to be a doctor. Ask what they think about this.
Ask your child what they already understand about gender identity (who we feel we are inside) and about gender expression (how we show it). Make sure they understand the difference between gender and sexual orientationāput simply: gender is who you are and sexual orientation is who you love.
Ask your child about their gender identity and how it feels to be them.
Tell your child that itās fine to ask a gender-nonconforming peer anything about their gender or preferred pronouns, as long as the questions are asked respectfully and donāt become a constant focus. Here are some examples of things it would be okay to ask:
What is your gender? Do you prefer to be called a boy, a girl, or something else? Do you always want that?
Is your gender identity private or is it fine for people to know? Is it OK for me to talk about your gender to other people, as long as I do it respectfully?
What pronouns do you want me to use for you? Do you want everyone to use those pronouns all the time, or just some people or at some times?
Are you okay with me asking these questions, or is it bothersome to you? Would you prefer to only share when you choose to?
Click here for a guide, videos, books, and quick tips to help you talk to your kids about gender.
